A Message from the Distant Future
News across aeons, reports from beyond the void
Greetings! I come to you from the distant future, from fabrics of space and time unimaginably further and stranger than one can imagine. I have arrived to tell you that the human race will one day voyage into a fate unknowable and strange. During this period we have mastered matter, energy, and forces beyond your current comprehension to forge a new consciousness and create an existence utterly alien to your current conception of life. Over the following aeons, humanity will change in profound and fantastic ways-first physically, then psychologically, then spiritually, until even these terms become antiquated and inappropriate for the path we take.
However, during this time, we have retained one single aspect of Earthly existence we could not bear to part from.
WE STILL LOVE NASCAR!!!
Oh my goodness, words cannot begin to describe how much we love the National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing. Did you know that’s what NASCAR stands for? I’m a bit of a trivia junkie, except that’s not all that unique where I’m from! It’s almost the only thing people talk about. The races, the drivers, the cars, the noise-there’s nothing like it.
What’s that? F1? I’ve never heard of that. You have to remember, I’m from approximately 30 billion years in the future, so something as insignificant as F1 is unlikely to still exist after all that time.
But NASCAR? Wow, what a thrill. Just hearing the words “I’ve got racing fuel in my veins” sends chills down my spine! Except, I don’t have veins or a spine, and “chills” implies I’m affected by temperature which we transcended long ago. I wish I had a lower back just so I could get a tramp stamp saying “rubbin’s racin’ baby!”
Okay, okay, I’m going to make a noise like a racecar engine, ready? MMMMMRRRROOOOWWWW! Wasn’t that exciting? Because man, it really excited me. How are you not quivering in delight right now? You get to live in the exact same time and planet as Joey Logano, Martin Truex Junior, Kyle Busch, Chase Elliott, Kyle Larson. How could you possibly go about your daily routine knowing those legends are out there somewhere burning gas and smoking grass?
Vroom vroom!
One time I watched “Days of Thunder” and I liked it so much I threw up. I don’t even have an oesophagus, that’s how much I liked it. Almost every part of that movie was baffling and strange to my sensibilities from my distant perspective, but when I saw rubber hitting pavement and the roar of an engine under a chequered flag, it tapped into a primal core within me I had long neglected, and I vowed to never forget this feeling as long as I live. I don’t know who “Tom Cruise” or “Nicole Kidman” are, but surely neither of them did anything nearly as important as Days of Thunder, right?
Boogity boogity boogity! I love saying that, and I’m not alone. English died out soon after we first gained interstellar travel, and for a few million years afterwards humanity developed a sort of binary to speak more efficiently. Now, we are able to communicate directly across a shared consciousness, so the concept of “word” is outdated. Except one thing: boogity boogity boogity! Whooooooo!
You say things like “pyramids” and “great wall of china”, but I cannot stress how insignificant these places eventually become when you zoom out over billions of years. Practically nothing can retain importance when you consider the timeline of solar cycles. No matter how important a place, person, or concept may seem to you know, please understand that over time humanity spreads to the farthest reaches of the cosmos, and as we continue to spread and change into a beautiful fate we inherently lose what was previously so precious to our sense of self. But when you list places like Daytona, Talladega, Bristol, Martinsville, Dover, of course I’ve heard of them-they’re the only Earth locations still preserved!
Don’t say this is dumb. I know how time machines work; that’s how I’m able to talk to you now. And I also know what lies beyond the edge of spacetime, and the truth is far more strange and beautiful than anything you could ever imagine. And after gazing upon that pale wind blowing across time and space, seeing the aeons of love and suffering weaving together a tapestry called Fate, I only have one desire. And that is to bring a six pack of Budweiser into Charlotte Motor Speedway and watch Carrie Underwood sing the Star Spangled Banner before a bunch of modified stock cars turn left for 600 miles at dangerous speeds.
If there is only one message to send you from the future, this is it: NASCAR rocks!
Also, Mormonism is the one true religion.